Hmm, I don’t want to get in trouble with this one. How can you get things for free? Upgraded room or a comped room? I definitely recommend that you just ask, or complain about the view, size, or if the room’s dirty, your neighbors are loud, whatever the case may be.
Be cool. Don’t make stuff up. Nobody cares about your anniversary. The only anniversary I care about is the one where you’re handing me a $20. It depends on the occupancy, depends on the person, depends on the guest.
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Don’t book off the discount sites, cause we know how little you paid for it, so when it comes to upgrades, back of the line. I have had people who have not wanted to pay for the room, and actually have come up with nefarious ways to get things for free. They said that there was a rat in the room. The security team went to investigate, and there was a little rat in the room, but in the trash can there was a receipt from PetSmart. Well, the person and their new pet rat got kicked out of the hotel, with no refund.
Well, there’s always the used condom excuse. That’s a classic. We found a used condom under the pillow. Dude, no you didn’t, unless that was yours. What’s the dirtiest thing in the room?
All things fabric. Couches, chairs, the weird blanket that they put on top for the color accent. Discard it. Probably the TV remote. It’s electronic, so you can’t really just spray it down with chemicals. I think it just kind a gets put back on the desk, and that’s about it.
People use the bathroom, don’t wash their hands. Then they touch the remote after relieving themselves, in or out of the bathroom. Have I had any weird celebrity encounters, and the answer to that is too many to remember. I’ve seen many celebrities in their underwear. Nobody that you actually want to see, though. I had someone call me from their bathroom, and ask me to come assist ’em in the tub, and then she would do things to me, if I would do that for her.
Sometimes celebrities will check in under a different name. I had somebody stay at a hotel one time, and somebody asked me, “Was that this person?” I was like, “No, we don’t have anybody “staying in the hotel by that name.” One of the most awkward moments, and I’m not gonna name drop any celebrities, for example, if say Kim Kardashian was in front of me, and I didn’t know who she was, okay, what’s the last name for the reservation? Instant insult.
They just get really offended, like… Have you witnessed any porn shoots? Yeah. I actually helped the guys bring up their phone equipment, and they tipped me with a sweatshirt that had the porn company logo on it. I mean, it’s a good view, it’s a nice room, the beds are beautiful. I don’t blame them. They kind of have the attitude of like, “Yeah, we paid for this room, “we’re gonna do whatever the hell we want in it.”
Do employees know when you book a room to have a one night stand? Yes, we do. Usually, it’s a bunch of giggling, snuggling, making out on said couch in front of employees, and then we’re just standing there like, “Right, so could you kindly insert “your credit card for incidentals?” Not only do we know that you’re there for a one night stand, but we also knew who your wife is, cause you checked in with her an hour ago on a different floor. When you call down and ask us to deliver condoms, we also know that you’re not really a magnum, dude.
Can you replace items from the minibar without getting in trouble? You can try, but it’s really hard, because you got to find a pony sized bottle of diet cherry Coke and a can of M and M’s. Know how hard it is to find a can of M and M’s? Everything in that minibar is inventoried and everything. We’ll probably be able to tell if it’s not something we’ve already bought. If you don’t want to pay for the $7 bottles of water from the minibar, you can just go refill your same bottle down at the fitness center.
By law, they have to have water for you there. Why are people not allowed to smoke in hotel rooms? Do you know how long it takes to actually clean a room that’s had a smoke owner in it?
It’s a health hazard, number one. Number two, it knocks out the room for a week. I’m not gonna have somebody smoke in a room, and then when a teenage kids goes to lay down on a pillow, “Hmm, mommy, it smells like Camel.” Do I know when people are smoking weed in the room? Yes, I’ve had to go and inquire. They’re like, “No, we’re not smoking.”
Do we say anything? That all depends, man, you sharin’? Weed, nobody cares about, because we know that they’re not gonna be causing any trouble after. They’re just gonna be sitting around and watching movies and raiding the minibar. That’s the clientele we want.
So, just be a nice person, treat everybody well, enjoy yourself, make our lives easier, and we’ll make your stay incredible.